Definitions. You either love them or loathe them. Sometiems it can get to
the point of listening to endless dialogues which seem to be going round
in endless circles over two words, submissive and slave.
Why is it such a big deal to have a "label"? Why is it so important to
call yourself a slave rather than a submissive? Is it like a status
symbol maybe? i hope to answer some of these questions in this article.
My thougths however are just that, mine, so you can bet someone somewhere
will take great pleasure in arguing about my definitions too.
To my mind a submissive nature is something you are born with, just as
dominants are born dominant. However not everyone recognises or wishes to
explore their sexuality. They are quite happy in their vanilla world.
Although i am a believer that even in the vanilla world one partner in
any relationship will always be the more dominant one at any one time, i
think many don't start to think about dormant desires and sexuality until
they have had a tase of the vanilla world first.
The word submission in my dictionary is defined as as "humility, meekness,
resignation, acceptance of authority, obedient conduct or spirit"
This is a very vague and wide stretching definition in my view. Althought
submissives, those who desire to submit to a person more dominant than
themselves, also fall into a very broad catagory.
I think of submission on a sliding scale. At one end you have those in
vanilla relationships who say like to be pinned down during otherwise
vanilla sex through to the other end of the scale where someone is living
24/7 as fully Owned property.
Some may start at one end of the scale and slowly work their way along to
a level they feel comfortable at and stay there, where others need to
keep moving up the scale as they grow and blossom in their submission. There
is no one right way, it is a very personal thing. What may appeal to one may
well scare another.
However even among those in the D/s or M/s community
there are those who will try and convince you you aren't a "real" sub or
a "true" slave. You are what you are, and no-one has the right to put
you down for what you beleive in just because it isn't their way, or isn't
as extreme as they do things. Acceptance and tolerance should be things we
should expect from a community that have all had in some form of another to
hide what they are, and put up with negative condemnation by the media
of our community of perverts and sadists.
One thing that does come out of the argument of slave vs sub is that all
slaves are submissive, but not all submissives, slaves. So, a person can be
both a sub and a slave, but where is the crossover point where a sub turns
into a slave?
This is a good question. In theory i would say when a sub gives authority
to her dominant for her life, and accepts that with that authourity she is
giving up rights that a submissive would normally have, she becomes a slave.
It doesn't mean she gives him permission to treat as her as a doormat, far
from it, most slaves end up as cherished possessions, who can beg, plead and
communicate completely and openly with their dominant, but who also knows that
ultimately his desicion is final and binding. Once enslaved she can no
longer leave the relationship, even if she wanted to. This point is one
that many can't understand, and causes many arguments.
Not all submissives become involved in D/s (Dominant/submissive)
relationships. Some subs are quite content to take part in roleplay sessions
with either one or multiple partners. This doesn't make them any less a
submissive than those in a full D/s relationship. If it is what they like
to do and it makes them happy, and so long as they have safe calls and
have ensured their safety it can be a lot of fun.
i know many subs who
are married to vanilla partners, who are just not interested in getting
involved in another relationship, but who partake of these kind of
role play sessions. Their partners are happy to let them act out their
fantasies, and feel quite safe as usually sexual intercourse is not part
of the play, so they don't feel threatened.
Other subs will become quite attached to one particular Dominant. They will
see each other fairly regularly, and while they are together they assume
the roles of Dom and sub. Sometimes they are exclusive to each other,
sometimes not. Sometimes sex will be involved, sometimes not. However, at
the end of their session together they both assume vanilla roles and become
equals again.
Some subs will take this role a little further, and will accept a Dom's
control a little more, so that it is present all of the time in some form
or other, in varying degrees. However she still has the right to turn round
and give an oppinion and know that if she doesn't like what is happening,
she can walk away at any time. Her dom has no real hold over her, and can't
make her stay if she doesn't want to. So, to some extent she still regains
a certain ammount of control over and say in the relationship.
Eventually we come to the 24/7 slave. She has no control, no authority, no
say in what happens in the relationship. She has been enslaved using a
combination of internal methods (ie psychological and emotional) reinforced
by external methods (such as restraints, punishments, rituals) Although legally
she may be physically free to leave the relationship at any time, as modern
consensual slavery is not recognised by law, it is mentally impossible for
her do to so.
Becoming a slave is not somethign that just happens overnight. It takes a
lot of time, energy, patience, love, understanding, tolerance, communication,
openess among many other things to develop into an M/s relationship. It is not
something you enter into lightly, and it is certainly not the kind of lifestyle
choice many submissives tend to want.
However as you can see anyone can say of themselves that they are a slave,
it is after all just a word. It is those who lives their lives as 24/7
lifestyle slaves that often are the ones who will debate the definition
of the word itself, and become most vocal when the deabte comes up.
Some submissives find their release through pain and S&M play, while others
have a very low pain threshold and don't enjoy pain much at all. Some are
naturally submissive, others like to be forced to submit. Some will be antagonistic
towards the dominant in order to be punished, some like to serve their dom
and do things for him like menial tasks, some would be appaled if asked to do
this kind of thing. Some hate the thought of displeasing their dom and see
it as a failure if they end up being punished. Others like to role play and
be turned into schoolgirls, ponygirls, adultbabies.
As you can see explaining what makes up a submissive is very complex, because
just as in any community there are many differing levels of intensity and
diversity, so it is within submission too.
Basically it is all down to definition and tolerance. Be proud of what you are,
believe in yourself, know that you are one of many, try not to judge others
by your own standards, but most importantly accept people for what they are,
not for the title they give themselves.
©tiana 2000-2005
