The term 'Acid Test' is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can
dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. Gold however, will
stand up to most acids. The 'Acid Test' was an easy way for people to
make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the
'fool's' variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to
identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either.
There is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner
as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON. Most of these
tests are designed for a submissive female trying to sort through men
claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many
questions I get asked by my female friends still
searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used
by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for
ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after 'easy sex'
and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake
Doms out there.
Step One: Do the Math
Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e.,
natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about
one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat
room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at
about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for
every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 "Doms" you
see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind.
there is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be
a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that
all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: "When in
doubt, throw it out!" Your search for a suitable Dominant partner
(especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could
easily take years. That's hardly surprising, most people spend years
looking for that special lover, be they 'vanilla' or otherwise.
Don't be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON'T WASTE
YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with
online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don't
give him 'three strikes' or 'extra chances to win.' Block out his
screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was
legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!
Step Two: Know Your Enemy
We call them Snerts. We call them HNG's (Horny Net Geeks). We call
them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. Sometimes, tragically, we
even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They
are all your ENEMY. Don't bother thinking they are anything less.
Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital.
Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs:
Not, now, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice
guy, if he's not a Dom, he's not going to give you what you really
need. He will likely give you many things you don't (like medical
bills and other assorted headaches).
Snerts
Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the
(highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply
'easy lays.' Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that
doesn't deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat
older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster
their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around.
They target submissives because they think that they won't make
demands on there sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be
easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least
emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their 'scenes.'
The HNG (Horny Net Geek)
HNG's are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying)
of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some
quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty
sophisticated about there D/s jargon and the 'scenes' they describe
to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour
the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end
learning the 'lingo.' The are most easily spotted because they want
to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to
offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms 'playing'
with their 'subbies.' Don't waste your time with them.
Control Freaks
The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control
freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call 'controlling
personalities.' They are the type of person that wants to be in
control of everything around them. They want all their family and
friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely
manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really
have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a
justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives may
find themselves 'naturally' attracted to these men because outwardly
they seem so 'in command' of things all the time. The truly ironic
(and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest
thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. Controls Freaks can be spotted because
they often talk about 'taking care of you' and also 'knowing what's best for
you'. They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially
guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get
from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships
without going into any
details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of
telling you that they prefer the 'mental aspect' of Domination and
submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing
you do will ever be 'quite right.' While all this may seem very
repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control
freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their
'hooks' into you its very hard to get untangled.
Rapists and Predators
The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator.
These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The
truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy
way to spot them.
Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from
family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an
attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There
motive is violence. The best defence is never make yourself too
vulnerable. To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in's and
out's of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures
religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know
your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If
you know your partner well, you're more likely to have a good time
with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first
Scene).
Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do
tend to be impulsive. If a 'Dom' you have been talking too suddenly
seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have
just saved your own life. Don't go chasing after anybody. A true Dom
doesn't need to play 'hard to get.'
Step 3: Know your goal!
Take the time to figure out what you want. It's often hard for newbie
subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices
are available to them. ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE!!! There are many
fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual
submissives, so start reading! Learn about the different types of
play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how
to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do's and don'ts of meeting others and
playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on
paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun,
but also keep in mind that that it's your ASS that's (literally) on
the line here. Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a
sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are
strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a
lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. Giving away your
control can be a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and
energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in
intimate situations at that. It's a very personal thing to you! Well guess
what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this.
Doms are strong people too, we do tend to be intelligent. Doms are
often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we
tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand they be in control
all the time. Doms tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met,
or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in
control in INTIMATE situations.
It's a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not
really the opposite of you, but we are the 'puzzle piece' that fits
next to you snugly. In another words, don't look for a Dom that's
exactly like you. You won't find him. Don't look for a Dom that wants
to run your whole
life; he doesn't exist. ABOVE ALL, if you're prospective Dom seems
like a generally 'nice guy' you're likely on the right track! Take
the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the
other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom
isn't likely to make demands until its time to play.
Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!
- When in doubt, throw it out! Don't waste your time with
people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real
Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable ,he's not going
to be fun to play with.
- "You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG or
control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we EARN them.
Most real Doms will say things like "please, call me Mike..."
- "I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This
is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks.
They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and
sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing!
Cyber-collars are worth less other than the leather required to make
one.
- If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On
your knees you [slave, slut, bitch,whore, etc.]" This is the mating
call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste your time with
somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these
endearing terms, and it isn't online!
- "I don't have to answer that question!" or "It's not proper
etiquette for you to ask a Master that." are examples of some the
dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid
test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be
ready to at least
TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! Its
literally your ass that's on the line! Never forget this!
-
"Its my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are
the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too,
but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be 'Dom'
tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you
differently either.
Where Male Dom/fem sub play is concerned, it's ALWAYS LADY'S CHOICE!
- Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about
a prospective partner based on his online play style. It's a very
simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste
time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO.
Forget it, once you've done the real thing, cyber is just too damn
dull.
- Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a
scene. If he say's 'no,'run for your life! If he says, 'very rarely,'
at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are
experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't
even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom in the
world will trip over these occasionally.
Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the
last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his
trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles
- "I'm a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer,
self-made millionaire. . yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldn't it be nice to
meet a Dom that was rich? Sure it would! But use some common sense
too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an On-Line
chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super
successful, always-in-control
person is really into D/s, he's likely a submissive! I have met a lot
of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one
Dom yet!
- "I'm 33 years old, and I've been a Master for 15 years."
Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Doms level of
experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as
well. 18 year old boys don't care about the intricacies of D/s; they
want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old
boy once! I personally believe that
people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very
early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master.
What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using
Clearasil?
- Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be 'very
experienced.' Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG's have
female screen-names set p to act as 'references' for them! I notice
that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which
is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to
talk to a guy's
ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene its the opposite, experienced
players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.
- "I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you
can't talk to them." Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this
sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed
miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even
triples) that really
were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not
uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking
TOGETHER. If a 'Dom' has anyone already collared to them, you
probably ought to talk to her FIRST!
- "I don't need safe words." Well of course he doesn't! If he
said this he's likely a snert and therefore he's never really been in
a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't
need safewords either. Need I say more?
- "My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them." If you
hear a "Dom" say this it's most likely because these slaves only
exist in his mind. Or worse still, his 'slave' is simply the victim
of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other
sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some
careful negotiation.
- "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to
explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with
many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express
permission (and more often than not, participation) of their
husbands. Safe D/s requires
complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are
plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but
please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence,
liars) themselves.
- Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from
your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a
"Dom" that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don't make the
same mistakes twice if you can help it.
Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest
is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they
can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even
references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most
importantly,
provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men
you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search
should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear
from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for
a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well.
Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be
submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG's who
live there D/s lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice
and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be
dangerous. There is another class of "female enemy" is even more
tragic and dangerous:
The Victim.
The Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse
that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her
tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They
are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very
dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling
you that their lifestyle is the only "real D/s."
They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male
enemy types. Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay
the heck away from them (in exactly that order). It may seem
mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my
training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking.
An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready
to do so. If you let
her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to
her familiar little hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely
scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough
enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you
can't, urge them to get help. It's not your job to save the world,
keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.
author unknown
If you are the author of this article or do know who wrote it please
can you mail me with the details, so full accreditation can be given.
©tiana 2000-2005
