Many new submissives think because of the levels of communication and
trust involved within the BDSM scene that they will naturally be safe.
WRONG! There is just as much abuse within the BDSM scene as anywhere else.
It is much better to be prepared than suffer either mental or physical
harm, all for the sake of a few small precautions.
Don't believe everything people online tell you.
Just like in real life there are weirdos online. It is much easier to
create a false identity, or even change gender than in real life.
Make sure you take time to find out as much
personal information you can about a prospective dom. See the
safe meeting checklist
for full details. If he is genuine then he has nothing to hide.
Talk to him on the telephone. Insist that you phone
him not just once, but also when he is not expecting you to ring. To protect
yourself phone from either a phone box or add 141 (UK only) before you ring
so that your number can't be traced.
Ensure your e-mail address doesn't give your full
name away. It's amazing how easy it is to trace someone in the UK these days
via online telephone directories and electoral register if you have a name
and a rough area of where someone lives. Get yourself a
free online e-mail address like hotmail if
necessary. It can always be thrown away if things don't work out. When you sign
up for a hotmail or yahoo accounts don't add your real name and surname in the
required fields as this will show up before your actual address whenever
you send mail.
Don't be in too much of a hurry to meet him face to face. Make sure
you know enough about him first. It can also save a lot of upset and wasted
time if you have had a chance to really get to know someone well before
meeting them. Its not just about whether your sexual and physical needs are
the same, but that you have plenty of other things in common too.
You be the one to pick the location where you will meet for the
first time, or if he does make sure it is somewhere you are familiar with.
The venue needs to be very public, somewhere you feel safe and comfortable
with, and where there are plenty of other people around.
Leave a copy of his details, location you are meeting and time
with 2 seperate people. Leave a copy of them also by your own telephone,
so that they can be easily found in case of emergency.
Ensure you set up a safe call with someone you trust.
This is a phone call that you pre-arrange to make to a designated reliable
friend at a certain time. Choose 2 code phrases or words that you can use,
that you wouldn't normally use in a conversation with that friend. One
should be to signify that all is well and the other i need
help right now This is important in case you are in a difficult or
dangerous situation, and saying i need help right now would add to
that situation. This friend should be one of the people you have left
details of your meeting with. It is vital that you make this phone call
once it has ben arranged. If you don't make this call, and your silent
alarm can't get in touch with you via your mobile phone, then they should
phone the police with details of what has happened.
Carry a mobile phone fully charged, and in credit, in your
handbag out of sight. It means that in cases of emergency you can use it
to phone for help from places like the ladies toilets, where he can't
hear you.
Don't be pressurised into going somewhere more private,
especially on your first meeting.
Let him know that several people know exactly where you are,
and that you are meeting him. If he is genuine he will be very pleased that
you have taken care to ensure your own safety, and will go along with
your plans. He shouldn't try to make you do anything you don't feel
comfortable with, or that you hadn't pre-arranged to do.
Be very wary if he insisits on meeting you in private, say in
a hotel bedroom, and expects you to play on your first meeting. This is
a huge risk, and a genuine dom shouldn't expect this.
If you change your plans when you meet, alert your silent
alarm to the change of plans, and remember to keep them updated so
they know your whereabouts at all times.
Don't get into his car. Make sure you have your own
transport wherever possible. If this is not practical ensure you have plenty
of money for a taxi or a train ride home.
All of this sounds very drastic, but it is far better to be over cautious
than to put yourself at risk. Because of the very nature of BDSM it is going
to attract some undesirables who are able to read enough both online and off
to pass themselves off as doms. Just because they say they are a dom, doesn't
mean they really are.
It is far better to be ultra cautious until you are comfortable and feel
safe and secure enough to meet in private. If he is a genuine dom he will
respect your need to ensure your own safety, and won't make a big issue
out of it all.
