I guess it must happen to many..that awful time when you realise that the
M/s relationship that you thought was going to last for ever is over..that
the collar you have worn with pride is no longer going to be there around
your neck any more..that you no longer are owned..or belong to anyone..
There are writings all over the internet telling you how to become a
sub or a slave..what to expect..how to prepare yourself..and such like..but
there isn't anything i could find that helped me deal practically with the
deep feelings of grief and hurt i felt when this happened to me..
Maybe it is becuase when we enter a committed relationship like those
who are in D/s or M/s relationships, we hope that they are going to last
forever..that there will never be a time when that love and devotion you
feel for your Master/Owner is no longer wanted..or required..and if a
sub/slave is uncollared or released maybe they feel it signifies failure..
and who would want to admit to or want to write about being a failure..
It happened to me..and i was totally unprepared for the effect it had
on me..in some ways it was like after i was raped (that's another story
and another time and place)..i needed to know that what i was feeling and
going through was normal..that it was how others felt..that i wasn't
alone in what i was going through..being uncollared is much the same i
found..so i went searching for material to help me deal with the raw
emotion, deep hurt and pain i was experiencing..and i drew a blank..i guess
that is why i am sitting writing this right now..maybe in the future it
will help someone who is in a similar situation as i was to know that
there is no shame associated with being uncollared..and that it is ok to
feel like your world has just shattered into a million pieces..
Maybe it is different when the split has been a joint desicion..when you
are prepared for what is coming..when you have had a warning that things
aren't going so well..ok so it isn't easy but at least you have had time
to get used to the idea..but when it comes from out of the blue..without
warning..without a hint that it wasn't working..without any discussion..
compromise..negotiation..when it is a one sided i can't do this any
more or i can't be all you want or
it's over..and i don't want to talk about it... what can you do?
Well, in my experience i have found you can't do anything to change
that decision..you can't make someone love you..or want you if they are
adamant it is over..yes it is unfair that you have had no say in the
desicion..yes it is unfair that they promised you it would last forever..
and now they are changing their mind..yes it is unfair that they have
turned your world inside out..but whoever said that life was ever fair.
Its a case of trying to cope as best you can..let the tears flow..turn
to your friends for comfort..try hard not to feel a failure..you're not
at all..no matter what you think..you are still the same person inside..
take your own time to grieve..don't let others tell you to pull yourself
together..that he's not worth crying over..that you can do better..in
all probablitity it may be true..but this is someone that you have given
your heart to..it's really difficult to just let go and suddenly expect
your feelings to evaporate overnight..it won't happen..
For me i felt like a huge part of me was missing..i had a deep void..
an ache that i couldn't get rid of..i felt like i didn't belong
anywhere..it hurt me to read newsgroup posts..or mailing list posts
simply because i felt excluded..i knew deep inside i was the same person
..but i was alone..in that awful limbo..and kept wondering about my
identity..was i really a slave..could i ever make someone happy..
many self doubts..and questioning my feelings and thoughts constantly
..
The anger eventually surfaces..and that is something you need to direct
properly..try to not end up in situations where you find yourself
saying things about your former owner to get back at him..the hurt and pain is
great..but trying to find ways of making him pay..or spreading rumours
about him are not the solution..it achieves nothing..it only creates
more bad feeling and hurt..channel that anger constructively..lash out at
a pillow..thump it..squash it..or go and find a wide open space and scream
and shout all you like..say all the things you feel..no-one can hear you..
and it releases some of the tension..and anger..you may feel exhausted
afterwards..but inside you will feel a lot better..
In some ways this is the danger time..becuase of the deep need inside
to belong again..it would be so easy to take the first offer of
ownership that came along..not becuase it was really what you were
looking for..simply because the need inside is eating away at you..
and you think that it is better than nothing..but don't give in to it..
don't compromise yourself..you are on the rebound..
iIf you have been in a
long term relationship you have may become totally dependent on him
for making desicions..dealing with finances..the practical day to day
routines..and you may not know where to start trying to sort it all out..
don't despair..you may feel as helpless as a child..but remember at one
time in your life you probably did do all of these things for yourself..
it's a case of building confidence again to take back the control of
your own life..easier said than done i know..but you can do it..you
have to..ask friends for advice..don't feel ashamed or embarrased..
you may have to do it for them some time in the future..and they do want
to help..they care for you..
Slowly rebuild your life..don't be too eager to start looking for
someone else..give yourself time to really heal and gain strength
and confidence in your self..think long and hard about the kind of
relationship you want next time..what you need and any changes you
feel you want to make..this is a good time to explore your innermost
thoughts..and get to really know yourself..take up offers of unconditional
friendships..spend time going to munches..don't cut yourself off
from the BDSM world..mix with people..get to know new people..
even explore new facets of the scene you hadn't tried before..
but don't be pressurised into a relationship before you are ready
..wait till that hurt and pain is gone..when you can think of your
previous owner without that terrible ache re-appearing..only you
will know when you are ready..and despite what you may be feeling
right now..you can heal..you will stop crying..that ache and pain
will go..just give it time..and space..
I for one never thought i would be able to enjoy life again..but
i know now i can..i can laugh and smile with the best of them..yes
i may be a slave deep inside..but i have taken the control back for
my life..i feel empowered again..i have learnt things about myself
that i hadn't realised before..which can only aid my choice in
finding another owner..i feel independent and my self confidence
is beginning to increase..i still query my judgement at times..but
i think that is a natural thing when you have been hurt..i am taking
my time to get to know prospective owners..resisting any pressure
i may feel from them to make choices..make desicions..i am not rushing
into anything..i need to be clear in my own mind that i am making choices
because i want to..not becuase i feel i have to..
One day i know i will find the right owner for me..and i also know
that it will be the right time..and the right decision..just because i
am a slave doesn't mean i am worth nothing..i know i am a good slave..
and whenever i find a new owner..he will benefit from my past
experiences..and i will be free to be the slave he has always wanted..
and the slave i have always wanted to be..
©tiana 2000-2005
