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Signs of Abuse

This article is reproduced by kind permission of the author, SpyralFox©

Healthy Relationship Factors

In my own opinion, there is no reason at all that the following would not also be appropraite in any realtionship, whether or not it involves BDSM. Absence of several of these factors may be a symptom of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

  • Each person's needs are as important as their partners. (in a BDSM relationship, sometimes the diminant partner will act as if his or her needs are more important. In my experience, this eventually leads to trouble, as it is not healthy for the submissive to never get his or her needs met.
  • Each person should be free from blame or responsibility for his or her partner's behavior, actions, and choices.
  • Each person should be able to express his or her opinions, feelings, and thoughts.
  • Each person should have the ability to spend time with his or her own friends and family, without feeling pressured by their partner to avoid these social contacts (for any reason).
  • Each person should be free from fear or confusion about their partner's anger.
  • Each person should be treated with respect (although admittedly in some BDSM relationships there may be times when a submissive is called derogatory names or treated as subhuman, in my opinion this is not necessarily a badthing if it is countered by times when the submissive partner is clearly cherished by the dominat partner)
  • The people in the relationship should negotiate conflicts together, and make decisions about the relationship jointly (again, this can be worked around in cases where power has been exchanged, but if the submissive's feelings are consistently ignored, IME trouble will result.
  • Both people should be able to enjoy the dreams of the other, and encourage their partner to make those dreams a reality (obviously, if the dream is reasonable, which is subjective in some cases)

Unhealthy Relationship Factors

These are also subjective, to some degree; while in a non-BDSM relationship any hitting would be bad, we need some slightly different rules (IMO) in a BDSM relationship. You may be in an unhealthy or an abusive relationship if one or more of the following is true:

  • If one person has an explosive temper or the other one is afraid of that temper.
  • If one person is posessive or jealous to the point where he or she is encouraging their partner to break off contact with friends and family or if the other feels isolated from family and friends because of that partner
  • If one person constantly criticizes the other's thoughts, feelings, or appearance (IMO, this is a very dangerous type of edgeplay, because it can affect the other person's self esteem, and I would consider it abusive if it occurs outside of negotiated "scenes." The key word here is "constantly.")
  • If one partner pinches, slaps, grabs, shoves, throws things at, or hits their partner (obviously, we need some leeway here for SM; if it's done in anger, I'd say it's more likely to be a bad sign).
  • If one partner blames the other for his or her own anger
  • If one partner coerces or intimidates the other into having sex (and I do not mean this in a BDSM context; IMO it may include telling the other person that a "real" dominant or submissive would be ready to have sex, for example).
  • If one partner is afraid of the other one, afraid of disagreeing with the other one, or even afraid to break up with the other one for fear of what might happen, especially if the other one has threatened to hurt themselves, the partner, or anyone else.
  • If one is constantly apologizing for or defending their partner's behavior

What if it is an Abusive Relationship?

Get help. Preferably from someone you trust. You may need to call a crisis hotline to get an idea of your opitions. If your mental state contributed or was affected by the relationship, you may wish to consider couneslling. You should avoid the use of mind-altering substnaces like alcohol or non-prescription drugs, since their use correlates with abuse (both in abusers and in the abused). You should take responsibility for your own actions -- and only your own actions. If you are abused, you should end the relationship (difficulat though it may be) and choose not to see your former partner again.

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